Buhay Bangkok

The dream was not that bad. None of that stuff about being pursued by mysterious persons. Yet I’d still wake up with a start, my heart banging against my chest as I tried to take in gulpfuls of air. I feel the onset of another panic attack setting in. I get up from bed, grab my watch and observe the second hand as I feel for my pulse. My heart rate is normal, around 80 or so. Nevertheless, my heart is palpitating, and I feel the sensation, sometimes even the certainty that any minute now and I’d feel that hammer blow to my chest, constricting the flow of my blood. I can imagine one of my hands reaching for the source of the pain as it spreads from my chest. My thoughts would race: Is this it? Is this the appointed time? Would scenes from my life start rushing before my eyes? Would I finally be sucked into that dark tunnel and emerge in the light? Crazy thoughts like this swirl in my mind as I grope for my medicines. There. I pick a tablet, break it into two and swallow half with the help of a glass of water by the bedside. Then I know it would be alright as I start praying. This will pass. This will pass. Then I would lie back in bed again, beside my wife and youngest child, whose peaceful sleep I don’t dare disturb. I check my watch again. It’s 5 am. It always happens at this time. Then I drift off to peaceful sleep, to be woken up at 7 am with knocks on the door. Paulo and Chubby will be on their way to school and are dropping by to kiss Lizl and me and say goodbye. I’d mutter an “I love you” as I kiss them back and try to resume my sleep, if only for half an hour more.

The past three nights have been peaceful. This means no sudden wake-ups at 4 am or 5 am. No shortness of breath or palpitation. No panic attack. I’d just wake up at 7 am, feeling refreshed. Yet it’s deceptive. It means my blood sugar is up. Unlike one time when I was forced to wake Lizl up and ask her to test my blood sugar level and the glukometer would tell us it’s 100 or 105. Diabetes. It’s weird. You feel better when you sugar is a bit high; you feel being in shit state when it dips.

I had my routine check-up today. Nothing new. The doctor told me to keep balancing my blood sugar. Take sweets when you feel the symptoms of hypoglycemia, she told me. Right now I’m taking Avandia 4 mg and Metformin 850 mg. She suggested that if my blood sugar continues to fluctuate to try insulin. I said I’d think about it. In truth I’m not inclined to. Due to the cost and also the fact that I don’t relish the idea of puncturing myself with a needle. I sent an SMS to my cardiologist in San Pedro and asked her if it’s advisable for me to take insulin regularly. She replied back that as much as possible, I should stick to diet, exercise and the prescribed medicines as insulin can damage the kidneys. That’s the clincher for me. My heart is already getting affected by my diabetes (I had rheumatic heart disease when I was a teenager. The same cardiologist cured me of it before I turned 21). Undergoing dialysis in a few years’ time is something I don’t want to consider at the moment. In the meantime, I’ll just have to try to survive the nights when my blood sugar plummets again.